I have learned – unfortunately, through bitter personal experience – not to reveal too much of myself. People can misunderstand you. They can (& will) laugh at you: your phobias, your dreams and aspirations. They can reject you.
I’ve been dealing a lot of rejection lately. And I don’t take rejection well.
A brief bit of background: I lost my job three months ago. No fault of my own – the company did an audit, and decided my job, ergo me, was expendable. So I’ve been submitting endless job applications, answering myriad questions that – IMHO – have f**k all to do with the job/s for which I’m applying:
• Are you a practicing homosexual? (If I’m a man who sleeps with men, or a woman who likes women, how in the hell will that preference interfere with my ability to do the job??)
• Do you consider yourself transgender? (see the above parenthetical comment)
• What religion are you? (Christian, Jewish, Sikh – check the appropriate box. & what difference does that make – I thought there was one God!)
• What is your ethnicity/nationality? (Can I tick the box that says ‘mongrel’? Oh wait, there isn’t a box for that!)
• What race are you? (Why isn’t there one a box for you to check that says “human race”!)
I could go on, but I won’t – I need to keep believing that we’ve all been there, and that you, Gentle Reader, will understand where I’m coming from.
So…I celebrated my birthday this week. And for the first time in my life, I spent my birthday (no, I’m not gonna tell you how old I am!) attending job interviews. Not my idea of how to spend a birthday, but I was thankful to get the interviews, and sure that after the hundreds of applications I’d submitted since March, that someone would hire me.
They didn’t. Despite my best efforts, they didn’t. Despite hours spent slaving over presentations, they didn’t. Despite endless prayers, they didn’t.
Why aren’t my prayers – and the prayers of my family and friends – even my landlords are praying for me! – being heard? Does this mean God is mad at me?
Being jobless is soul-destroying. And I know that I’m not the only person currently in this situation, but I find small comfort in that. My self-esteem, my sense of self-worth is closely tied to having gainful employment….to paying my bills on time, to not having to ask or depend on anyone for anything. Being self-sufficient has always been a source of pride for me – could that be it? Is God angry with me because I’ve committed the sin of Pride?
I wish I knew. Mostly, I just wish I had a job.