the 11-month mark

so what was dude thinkin’
safe up in His cloudy sky
when He decided the people you love
would one day hafta die?

did it not occur to Him
that some could not withstand their grief?
was He indifferent to the many
who’d now abandon all belief?

& while I’m at it, God,
what’s up with free will?
surely you must’ve known
your creations would mindlessly kill

tell me why you do it:
are you a sadist, or just odd?
I still wanna believe,
so I’m waitin’ for an answer, God

wives bereft of husbands
husbands missin’ wives
children longin’ for their mothers
endless tears for all the lost lives

nightmares & neuralgia
terminal grief & guilt
doubting all your choices
& the worth of the life you’ve built

I know I’m a sinner, Lord,
but show some mercy – take me off this rack
I swear I’ll believe again
if you’ll just give my mother back

copyright © 2018 KPM

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conundrum

chest no longer thrust proudly out
like that of a pouter pigeon
bit by bit each day
she’s losing her religion

a long dreaded loss
has reduced her to a wraith
28 years later,
once again – she’s lost her faith

is God in heaven, laughing?
she’s certain He’s decreed
that she’ll forever be denied
anything – anyone – she might need

the worst has finally happened
yet the Lord keeps her alive
what deity would do this?
she’s not sure she will survive

32 days in
& by sobs she’s still wracked
faking smiles for all those people
who want the “old Kath back”

well, grief is messy, folks
have you never suffered a loss?
& she has yearnings of her own,
for your opinion she gives not a toss

alone in bed, she hugs her pillow
clad in her Mom’s t-shirt
watchin’ shite on telly
tryin’ her best to deal with the hurt

asleep, she dreams of returning
to the land of her birth
but how’s she’s supposed to live in a country
where skin colour dictates ones’ worth?

copyright © 2017 KPM

even angels make mistakes

misfortune dogs her footsteps
though she’s committed no crime
her daily life is chaos
in what’s supposed to be her prime
wind roars in her ears
heart beats with an infernal rhyme
seductive are the voices
which keep whispering
“it’s time”

the working-class continue
with their bingo & horse races
immune to clouds above
that resemble laughing faces
children skip to school
their bickering mouths filled with braces
she watches, the back of her throat slimed
with bitter Zopiclone traces

yet she awakens every morning
to another church-bell dawn
downs endless cups of coffee
in a faded gown of black chiffon
an hour at a time
she resists thoughts of all that’s gone
in the memories of those who love her
she’ll find the strength to carry on

copyright © 2015 KPM

even angels make mistakes

the truth will out

she never longed to be a mother
though once she dreamed of being a wife
all too soon she learned
that love was a double-edged knife

you give someone your everything
devote your heart ‘n soul
to end up feelin’ like a misfit –
wife is not your proper role

so you focus on your career
lotsa certificates on your study wall
only to find out you’re expendable –
your employer cares for you not at all

you keep tryin’ hard to move forward
cause that’s what you always do
only to suffocate in snot ‘n saltwater
even God has abandoned you

now forward motion is the dream
as your feet are stuck to a hopeless path
everything everywhere ends
targets for a laughin’ God’s wrath

copyright © 2015 KPM

the truth will out

forsaken

Lord,
I am not strong enough
for this new song you want me to sing
an’ today I’ve lost my faith again
so songs don’ mean a thing

to me
the child you’ve abandoned
the child with whom you’ve toyed
the child you’ve walked away from
the child who feels destroyed

Holy Spirit,
I’ve done my best
on arthritic knees I’ve prayed
I’ve tried to be a good person
yet my hopes ‘n dreams you’ve slayed

right now
I feel bereft
I feel like your love has left
I feel like I’ve been forsaken
once more my heart is breakin’

Gentle Jesus,
my heart ’n soul you read
‘n I want to believe you’re still there
hear me in this time of deepest need
show me that you’re always there

copyright © 2015 KPM

forsaken

The Believer

Once there was a girl who believed in God. She wasn’t exactly raised in the church (though her Mom did her best to take her and her siblings to church and Sunday school when she could), but she believed a higher power existed: God, Gaia, Buddha – pick your flavour. Much like John Irving’s Owen Meany, she believed there was a reason she’d been put on the planet – there was a reason she’d been born, there was a reason for her existence. And along with her belief in the deity, the girl fervently believed in herself and her abilities, which she readily admitted this higher power had bestowed upon her.

And so the girl grew into a woman. Secure in the belief of this higher power and confident in her abilities, she amassed awards, certificates and diplomas. She worked hard, acquiring those material things that all humans long for as proof of their success: a lovely car, a home filled with beautiful things, a closet full of shoes with matching handbags and clothes to die for.  She had a good job, a freezer full of food, her health, friends, someone to love who loved her back and money in the bank.

And as she grew older, one by one these things were taken away – and “taken away” was how she thought of it – not once did she attribute her losses to wrong decisions she had might have made, or even the thought that the God she believed in had decided that it was time for her to do something else and that’s was these losses were about: putting her in a position where she could move into a better place.

She lost faith: in God, not in herself. And although she eventually recouped all she had lost (apart from the person she’d loved), for many years, she would tick the box marked “no religious beliefs”.